life coaching

Facing Life’s Hills.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

I stand at the bottom of the hill on a sunny May morning, determined to show up like the runner I say I am…but find myself faced with the usual demons. Not another hill. Please. It’s too hot. It’s too long. I am too thirsty. I don’t know if I have the energy to make it to the top. And then finally…maybe I can just use the hill as a walk break.

Maybe. Or maybe all those stories I have come to believe as ‘true’ are based on historical emotions I have come to believe about myself, yet have little to do with what is in fact ‘true’.

What I have witnessed is that our body is capable of much more than we think it is and that our limitations are often self imposed. That’s right, we put our own restrictions in place and then declare them to be true! Like when we say we can’t and then not surprisingly, can’t.

I tested it out with this hill that clearly felt out of reach for me. Instead of buying into my temporary truth, I inhaled deeply to do an internal scan: Heart rate steady, check! Legs warm, check! Head in the game, check! The only thing left to do was adjust my music to support my can-do attitude, and one final exhale.

I knew what to do. I needed to keep my eyes low, my stride small and steady, and one step at a time, get up the hill. Simple. My goal was to focus on the music in my ears, my steady footsteps and the 10 feet of pavement right in front of me. The top of the hill was not the focus for the moment, only each step that would get me there.

Before I knew it, my heart was pounding and I was at the top of the hill…feeling accomplished that I had conquered it and it had not conquered me!

How often are you presented with challenges in your life that defeat you before you even begin the climb? Maybe you are so focused on the view at the top, that you are unable to focus on the steps it will take to get there.

Life is all about your mindset. If you change your mind, you can change your life.

Let’s do this.
http://www.GellerCoaching.com

You Might Be Right…

Posted on by Geller Coaching

There comes a time (sometimes more than once) when the stars align in a completely different way due to unforeseen circumstances and you notice a significant shift. Your feet seem to step lighter, the ground feels more absorbent, and the air around seems to be clear. It is in that very moment that you can barely hear your own ego, and suddenly you hear your own voice whisper, “You may be right.”

And for once in your life, you are not talking to yourself. Well, yes, you are, but you are not referring to yourself in being right…again.

After many years of the most challenging life events I have ever had, though clearly not the worst there are to have…I have a sense of clarity I cannot ever recall having. I suppose it is not that surprising. Maybe after you have been stripped of the things you have always ‘known’, what’s left…is true vulnerability.

I am not quite sure what exactly got me to this point since I have been deeply working on myself for the past year and a half, but I know for sure there has been a shift. Not only in the way I see myself, but in the way I see others.

I can see today that what I hear coming at me is actually my perception of what is being given to me, that has first gone through years of being alive. Years of being engaged in meaningful relationships. Some great, some not so much. But all have left me with emotions in regards to how I perceive the present, how I perceive the future and how I perceive my life. That’s a lot of filtering.

It reminds me of the time I put a contact into my eye that already had a contact in it. That’s right. Two contacts in one eye. Now, if you are not a contact wearer, you might think, ‘now that would give you amazing vision!’ Right? Like if you held your eye to a magnifying glass.

But no, that is not what happens at all. It does not give you better vision. It does not provide even more clarity. What it gives you is a murky version of life. And since I did not realize what I had done, my brain tried desperately to make sense of what it could and could not see. Trying desperately to convince me that I had not in fact just gone blind…

If you wear contacts you might be thinking, ‘Well of course you can’t see better if you force your eyes to see through filters not meant for your eyes.’ However, I wrestled with vision for several minutes before panicking that I had just double dosed my eyes and wondered if my eyes had suddenly seen enough and had called it quits.

This is actually quite similar to what happens in our listening. Based on our emotions surrounding this person, this event, this thing, filters cloud our thinking and hearing. While we can hear the words coming at us, we may not necessarily be hearing what is said, but may be picking up on what we think someone is thinking. We may in fact be interpreting what is not being said. Or we may have already decided how we are going to respond before it is even heard, so therefore don’t listen at all. Either way, how we respond gets filtered through millions of past events and feelings and this simple conversation ends up being anything but simple.

It becomes what my eyes experienced, trying to see through a double dose of contacts and not providing an ounce of clarity or truth.

In addition to speaking from a place other than now, whoever you are speaking to will also respond from that far away place. It is then that the whole conversation becomes one hot mess.

So how do we have conversations not masked by previous emotions?
Here are some simple tips:

1- Create an intention. Are you trying to set the record straight? Are you hoping for clarity? Or do you genuinely just want to hear what someone has to say? Design it, commit to it and then set it in motion.

2 – Clean your slate. Come to the table and pretend that your slate has been cleared. Remind yourself that the past has no bearing on this present moment.

3 – Leave your ego at the door. Yes, I know that you know and you want them to know too. However, if you come to the table with that perspective, you might as well call it a day before you even get there. The truth is that you might or might not be right, but more importantly, in order to fully hear what someone is saying to you, you will need to stand in the place, that maybe…just maybe…you don’t know.

4 – Listen. Listen like it’s the first time you are hearing this person speak and then no matter how you are feeling, repeat after me: “You might be right.” Even if you are certain they are not right. Even if you are positive that you are the one that is right. Let it go. Create space for what is possible in the land of the unknown. You will be amazed at the possibility of what comes next. Trust me…

Velcro Doesn’t Foster Independence.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

It amazes me that something as simple as Velcro sneakers can actually makes things harder, but they can!

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Wait, what? If my child is struggling with tying his shoes, making every departure one giant meltdown, Velcro has to be a better option. I mean, that is what they were designed for, right? Well, technically they probably were created to ease stress, but with a high price tag.

You are familiar with the scenario: It is time for school, the outfit has been out on the floor since the kiss goodnight, breakfast is done, and now it’s time to get out the door.

With cute little sneakers in hand, your 5-year-old proudly slides his feet into his shoes and then begins to grasp the shoe laces ever so carefully as you whisper, “one bunny ear, two bunny ear…”

You can feel your heart race a bit as you witness his third attempt and you can see his confidence begin to wane. Your confidence in his ability, along with your concerns of being late begin to collide. You picture the tantrum from the morning before and do your best to give one last pep talk.

“Be patient, honey. Over, under, around and through…” you say calmly feeling the pounding in your chest.

“I can’t do it!?” He screams. “I cant! I hate these shoes! I’m not going to school…”

And so it begins. Another morning of upset. You then do what you do. You help out. You explain how hard this task is and how it will get easier over time. Then you tie his shoes, acknowledging that you can tie them tighter anyway. He feels happy, and so do you. Yet as it keeps happening over and over each morning, you offer less and less time for him to try, until you eventually begin to tie them the second he has his feet in the shoes.

What could possibly be the harm in that? Eventually everyone learns to tie their shoes…dont they?

The harm actually has little to do with the shoe-tying meltdown. The larger problem we are contributing to is keeping our children from experiencing discomfort. While we believe in our hearts we are helping, we are continuously robbing them of their ability to manage discomfort. We are single-handedly stealing their opportunity to man handle things that don’t feel right. And in the large scheme of life as we know it, we are contributing to a society of emerging adults that do not know how to get themselves out of uncomfortable situations because we have been doing it for them. While that help comes from a yearning to make their life easier, we are actually trying to avoid our own discomfort by helping them to avoid theirs.

The large problem lies right there.

We must know what discomfort feels like in order to be successful adults. We must experience it simply so we can experience the triumph that comes along with lifting ourselves up. While we want to convince ourselves that this is how we show our love, this is not a loving gesture at all. In fact, doing things for others that they can do for themselves simply robs them of their opportunity for success.

It starts with a simple act of ‘over, under, around and through….’ and leads to dangerous times of isolation and peer pressure and days of now what am I supposed to do? The discomfort our children/emerging adults experience when we are not around, can lead to feelings of desperation and hopelessness. These feelings can contribute to the yearning to tune-out, possibly leading to addictive behaviors that allow them to not feel disappointment or fears. It can lead to feelings of failure and disconnect and can perpetuate a hidden downward spiral.

One emerging adult client I worked with shared his experience of overwhelm and stress he felt in college and turned to alcohol and drugs to mask all that he could not cope with. When I asked him if he ever thought about trying to quit his addictive behaviors, he said simply, “there was no reason to think about quitting…it was the darkest hole I had ever been in and knew I was never getting out.”

Fortunately, he was given a second chance with many months of recovery. But all are not as fortunate. The crisis is real. And while as parents we do not cause our children’s depression, isolation or addictive behaviors, we can contribute by continuing to push them further in that dark hole by doing for them. Or we can begin to actually help, by allowing them the success they are capable of and deserve.

So, the next time you are unsure of whether your help is helpful or hurtful, ask yourself this question: Is this something that they are capable of doing themselves? Because if it is, let them. Take a few extra breathes. Be mindful that their discomfort is just like yours and that life is never about how we fall, but how we learn to dust off and get back up.

Want to really foster independence? Skip the velcro.

All That Wander, Are not Lost

Posted on by Geller Coaching

My fingers hit the keyboard gently this morning in hopes of finding just the right words to send to my people. “My” people…the ones that have so inspired me this year to honor my life and the way I want it. The ones who have struggled with pain, cancer, stress, chaos and even just the feeling of ‘is this really all there is?’ For those that have reached out for a hug, dared to scream ‘I can’t do this anymore!’ For those that wanted to simply give up, but instead decided to lie down and rest and for those that feel torment in their heart, but allow me to love them anyway. For all of you and more, I thank you for giving me the permission to touch your life, help alter your perspectives and trust me to tag along in your life. I have so enjoyed being a part of your life story.

It is only now that I am beginning to see the pattern each year brings. A clear balancing act between holding on and letting go and understanding that everything that comes at us is a precious gift we call life. A one time offer.

Yet as I continue tapping on the keypad, wondering what inspiring words will come from me next, something that I can offer my favorite readers as words to live by, words to carry into the New Year…I see this large blank slate reminding me of what matters most.

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Sometimes we do not have the answers. Not right now anyway.

If we can lean into that, lower our shoulders, soften the lines in our face, and quiet the ego, we can then be confident that the answers will come. Because they will.

It is in that faith that we continue to live our life with a full commitment to being the best we can be, not a constant image of ‘I will do better tomorrow’, but rather a commitment to honor our word and live life as if this is the only day we have…ever.

All that wander, are not lost.

Caving into feelings of exhaustion, asking for help, being silent, letting emotions overcome us or choosing to get off the path completely, doesn’t mean we have failed, are weak or have limitations. But rather, all show signs of strength in knowing oneself, our needs and our ability to lean in to our life in this moment. In fact, it is the true ability to be present.

So if you feel confused, frustrated about where you have been, worried about where you are heading or are fear that this is all there is, simply breathe.  Inhale all that is good, and then exhale, letting go of all that does not feed your soul. Only then, can you be present with the blank slate in front of you. The unknown does not have to be a place of darkness and fear, but an opportunity to redesign what you already have and appreciate all that is within you.

As the New Year begins I wish you all at least a few moments to wander, and see just how great you really are.

Exhausted. Yet Still…Can’t Sleep.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

It’s hard to believe how true that is, isn’t it?

It is 9pm. You are on the couch and dozing off. You can barely keep your eyes open but are too tired to get up to go to bed. So so tired. As a matter of fact, you are so tired that you convince yourself to watch the rest of the TV show, just so you don’t have to get up.

Yet at 10pm, once settled into bed, you suddenly don’t feel that tired. And it is then that you begin to worry that this might be another sleepless night.

can't sleep

So what’s going on? Why is it so hard to fall asleep, when all day you feel so tired?

There can be many factors that disrupt people’s sleep, even some that need medical attention, but first let’s go back to the basics.

1 – Caffeine intake. If you are a person that drinks more than one cup of coffee per day, make sure that your last cup is not later than 1pm. Surprisingly, even caffeine as early in the day as 2pm can disrupt a normal nights’ sleep.

2 – Sugar intake. Be mindful about what you are eating for dessert and how close to bedtime you are eating it. If ice cream and cookies are your favorite sweet treats, trying having it right after dinner. In addition, end the night with some berries (blueberries, strawberries, raspberries) and you will be able to lower your glucose level, which will also help you sleep.

3 – Exercise. If you work late into the night and are forcing yourself to workout at 9 or 10pm, reconsider this habit. While exercise is helpful in having a good nights’ sleep, too late at night or too close to hitting the sheets will also disrupt your sleep patterns. Instead, try getting up earlier. Waking up an hour earlier in the morning will still allow you to get more sleep at night.

4 – Closing System. Do you physically shut the door on your workday? Do you know when you’re officially closed and the day is done? Or are you checking emails right until the lights go off?

If you do not have a closing system, creating one is easy and should be done immediately (and every day!). Most people, especially those that travel or have their own business, have difficulty letting their day turn off. This feeling of still being ‘on’ is highly disruptive to normal sleep patterns. Here is how you create a Closing System.

  • Choose a closing time. Then stick to it!
  • At that time, give yourself 15 – 30 minutes to shut down. Move all the things that weren’t done today to a day when you are able to complete them.
  • Fill in all tasks for tomorrow.
  • Spend five minutes checking the rest of the week to see if anything needs to be changed, added or taken away.
  • Spend 10 minutes responding to any emails that are time sensitive, move others into folders, delete those that belong in the trash and flag important ones that need to be taken care of in the morning.

5. Quiet Rituals. Create a quiet bedtime ritual. If you are always falling asleep to the sound of the TV, or the sight of your emails, design something different. Commit to a 15-minute quiet ritual as the last thing you do each night.

  • Read a book that is not about work, but instead might allow you to escape reality for a few minutes.
  • Play yoga or classical music and meditate.
  • Find a free guided meditation app that can be played on your phone.
  • Journal. Using a blank journal or notebook paper, take out a pen and start writing. It can be thoughts you have about your day, things you want to remember for the following day or anything that comes to mind. But make sure it is pen and paper, not on the computer. Once on the computer it is much too tempting to check social media, emails, etc.

6. Go to Sleep. Lastly, go to sleep when you are tired. Even if it seems too early, do it anyway. It is better to get into bed before you are too tired to begin your quiet rituals, then to not be able to sleep at all.

In order to create change…you will have to do things differently. And tonight, let’s try on sleeping!

 

 

 

 

Even the Bad…Has a Purpose and Place.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

I had one of those weeks. You know, like every time you get a firm grip on the handle, the ground slips out from under you? Yeah, that kind of week.

The week filled with frustrations: The perfectly overfilled Starbucks coffee that drips not only on the sweater I am wearing, but also the sweater that is waiting patiently for me at my desk. The coffee machine that decides it needs a day off. The handcrafted salad that chose to jump from my hands and scatter all over the floor, leaving me no time to make another lunch. The half eaten perfect green apple that rolled off my desk and onto the germ infested classroom floor. The perfect morning to write at Starbucks, only to be interrupted by a charging cord that apparently was not in the mood to do its’ job…

Yeah, that kind of a week.

Luckily I am a Life Coach, right? Well, on most days that does help, but this week every one of those events sent me in a downward spiral, until eventually I even shed some tears. Yep, crying.  Sometimes I can cry over spilled milk too when I feel like I can’t keep it all together.

If only we could put everything in a box. Like when packing up for a big move. Put it all in a box, tape it up and mark it with a label! And just like that it would be all neatly tucked away, out of sight and not bothering us at all. If only we could do that with EVERYTHING! Imagine how our perspectives would change.

Imagine if we knew that it actually served a purpose and could be put away at any time? Would you feel less resentful when it came your way? Would you be more willing to lean into it until it passed?

Well here is a new perspective to try on: “Life is giving you exactly what you need practice in.”

At first glance you may scoff at this notion, but when you let it sink in for a few moments, thinking deeply about the things you most complain about, you can see where this makes perfect sense.

Is your universe driving you crazy? Things not going as planned? Feeling short circuited because everyone wants to throw a wrench in your schedule? Perhaps patience is what you most need to practice. Perhaps acceptance is something you struggle with as well. Perhaps this perspective will help you to welcome the challenges that come your way.

The next part is putting it away. This is the real challenge!

While we can’t actually put it in a box, the visualization of “putting it away” can really help. It’s not about attempting to put it out of your mind, but actually trying to reframe it. Same picture, new frame. Lets take my visit to Starbucks. I feel excited beyond words, having been gifted an extra few morning hours to sit and write. I am so excited I can almost taste the first sip of vanilla latte warming my throat as my fingers prepare for the tapping on the keys.  I am so excited I can feel my heart beating in a hurried pattern.

I open my MacBook and notice the low battery. Feeling relieved that I had my charger, I pack up all that I have laid on the table, feel disappointed to leave my favorite seat in the corner and move to a less desirable table that has an outlet. I begin to settle myself again, noticing my excited energy turning on its side and plug-in. Once. Twice. Three times a charm. Or no! Since it seems my charger is not working. My heart begins to pound in a ferocious way as I see the battery icon turn red.  I take several deep breaths, and even when I remember I also have packed my iPad, I don’t feel comforted.

I sit back in my chair and see that I have wasted 20 minutes and I can hear whispers telling me to just go home. Multiple voices begin to chime in, whining about the situation and suddenly feel like I am fighting back tears. Which is often when I criticize my dramatic behavior, blaming it on hormones, losing my mom to cancer and whatever else I can get my hands on.

But then I attempt to find a box. Not a real one, but one that can hold all my irrational feelings for the moment. I put my ear buds in, hit play on Anita Baker and inhale again. This time I unplug the non-charging cord, exhale deeply and move to a more private and comfortable seat by the window. I place my feet on the coffee table in front of me, pull out my iPad, click open my WordPress app and stare out the window. I picture myself with more patience and understanding of the world around me and of myself. I envision all the little things that went awry this week and place them into my invisible box. As I picture taping it up, I allow myself the time needed to heal over the loss of my mom and acknowledge how fortunate I really am, in spite of the story I want to tell about my dark and gloomy days. I put a label on the box: Patience.

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I place my hands gently on my iPad keyboard as the kind young man across from me (who must have seen my struggles) mentions there is an outlet right next to my comfy chair. I begin to tell my “story” but my optimism takes over and I give it one more try. And you know what? It worked! This outlet actually worked. Nothing was broken. Except maybe my heart recovering from many frustrations of the week. But I had already put those in a box, sealed it up with tape, and secured it with a label…so I let the computer charge and my iPad and I carried on.

Maybe all that happens in life IS just what we need practice in. Carry on.

What you AND your High School Senior need most this year.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

Somehow the summer came and went during a nap you don’t remember taking and you awake to find that it is September. To-do lists have been misplaced, senior year is already a whirlwind and college applications need to be submitted in the next 4 months. You feel overwhelmed, anxious and worried and you’re not even the one going to college!

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However, it is 1pm on Saturday and HE is still asleep. How can he sleep when there is so much to do? Shouldn’t he have a plan for the day? Some kind of plan of what he has to do next? A plan for college tours, a list of pros and cons of the schools already visited…or how about that room! How can anyone think, never mind sleep…in a room that is covered in clothing like that?

Unfortunately it doesn’t get any better when he wakes up. He grumbles through a giant bowl of cereal, showers, and then says he’s going out. When I try my best to run through all of the things on the ever-growing list, he barely looks up, mumbles that he will do it later…and leaves as he spends the rest of the day pretending that his phone isn’t attached to the palm of his hand, and he doesn’t see my texts.

I spend the rest of the day mumbling (to myself) “I don’t care…if you don’t get everything done in time I guess you won’t go to college.” As if caring is actually optional.

Sound familiar?

I am sure it does, since it is very common. As a matter of fact, it is not only common, but also necessary for both of you.

Senior year is the most important one on record. While it is also frustrating and worrisome, with all of its’ emotional rollercoasters, everything both of you experience (in many cases, the whole family) is just what needs to occur for a successful year in college. However there are many things you can do to survive feeling ignored, unwanted and out of control.

Your role as the parent.

Lean in.
This will be the year that you learn to lean in and detach from the outcome. Literally lean into whatever your son/daughter is presenting. I don’t mean to suggest you should allow them to be disrespectful, ignoring curfews or laws, but simply allow them to experience life as a senior, however it unfolds. It is about lowering your shoulders and understanding that while they are not quite ready to stand on their own, this is the year for them to figure it out.

Don’t panic.
The thought of accepting everything (especially at 3pm when they are still sleeping!) is challenging, while detaching from the outcome may feel remotely like abandonment. But it is simply a way to look at the same situation with a new lens. It is a simple way to care deeply about a situation or another person from an objective point of view, which creates the ability to care, but not be controlled by or invested in how the person responds.

Then you will be able to truly impact your emerging adult in a meaningful way.

Understand what they are experiencing:

1 – Worry about getting into a good college.
2 – Concerns about letting you down.
3 – Wanting to be independent.
4 – Wanting the freedom, while still needing help.
5 – Fear of leaving friends and family behind.
6 – Fear of the unknown.

The more you talk at your teen, the more they will ignore you. Instead, create a balance of simple strategies and thought-provoking questions that will give them the help they need to take initiative.

Helping without hindering:
The idea is to guide his/her thinking with strong questions that foster productivity and organization. A great way to start is to compartmentalize the college search process by keeping it separate from all other senior year tasks.

Planning: The best planning is not done quietly in your head! Start by purchasing a notebook (or even a planner) that is just for senior year tasks. A successful college freshman year will be one that is organized. This simple idea of a notebook just for the college search process is a great way to model organization. Use it for every task that needs to be accomplished and check it weekly.

Discuss: Share the idea about the notebook with your senior. Be honest about how you’re feeling about the process and give them the space to share how are feeling about it.
What you might say: I want you to know that I feel pretty overwhelmed with this search process too and am hoping if we can organize everything that needs to be done, it will feel less overwhelming. I even bought a notebook for you that would help us stay on task. What do you think?

Create a List: Now it is time to get the running mental list onto paper! This step will also model an important process they will need once in college: Organizing tasks. The American College Health Association-National College Health Assessment revealed that 84% of college freshman feel overwhelmed by all they have to do, so let’s start helping them now by setting reasonable and attainable goals. Keep it simple.
What you might say: Can you make a list of all the things that need to be done in the next 6 months? Include everything you can think of and let me know if you need any help.

Chunking: One way to avoid overload is to group the list into important headers, which will create several smaller lists and feel less overwhelming.
What you might say: Wow, that is quite a list! It might seem more manageable if we could think of 3 or 4 categories and then put the tasks into the appropriate section in the notebook. Can you think of some categories?

Deadlines: Timelines dramatically reduce stress. Knowing what to do is helpful, but knowing when to do it alleviates the worry surrounding it.
What you might say: If we knew when each of these things needed to be done, we could work backwards and figure out when to start. Could you put a due date next to each item you listed? 

By asking them to do only one thing at a time, they will feel more confident about completing the task and less likely to ignore it. In addition, they will sense your desire to help as well as your confidence in them to do it alone. In addition, your detachment from the outcome will be great practice for both of to remember that there is more than one way for problems to be solved, and that our way, is not always the best way. This detachment will foster their independence and yours too!

There is a delicate balance senior year between holding on and letting go. However, if you are truly open to everything and attached to nothing, you will be present and happy as you enjoy the last high school year in a way that leaves you both feeling successful.

What’s NOT on the College Packing List.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

While double-checking the packing list for your soon-to-be college student, you may also need to know the ‘real’ facts about college:

  • 45% of students are uncomfortably stressed.
  • 25% leave college by end of their 2nd
  • Only 56% graduate within 6 years.
  • 70% of students never consider talking to a counselor about their stress.
  • 67% of students reach out to parents for help with stress.

 

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College is an important investment in your son/daughter’s future, but if you want to guarantee a return on that investment, you may want to add one more thing to his/her suitcase…

A College Coach

Coaching for College Students is designed for students who are motivated to succeed in school and in need of support, accountability and a framework to help them identify, balance and reach their goals. Students who commit to the process and steps outlined below typically become more organized, have better follow through and are able to plan more purposefully for themselves as a result of the relationship.

The Process 

Preparation – Establishing a system for organizing, studying and meeting deadlines, as well as accounting for a realistic social life.

Maintenance – Consistently following through with the systems created in the preparation phase, refining them to create a well balanced and successful college career, as well as constantly reducing stress levels.

Big Picture – Creating a clear vision of the future, with realistic steps and paths to attain his/her academic and personal goals.

Now is the perfect time to allow yourself to let go of the reigns and let your emerging adult create his/her own path…one that will lead to independence and success now and in the future.

 

 

 

I Race. Because I Can.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

This has been an emotionally challenging year so far. Transforming my endless optimism on life into moments of endless questions. Questioning what was next, how and if we could pull this off. How we would redesign our Home Team without my mom? I even questioned the presence of my faith  after losing my mom to cancer when she should have had another 20 years.

Every few hours though, I can hear her sweet soft voice as she whispers, ‘it’s gonna be alright’ and it is just enough to help me carry on.

Which is how I have arrived here at the completion of my 8th year of training for a triathlon.

In case you don’t know, triathlons are races in which you first swim, then bike and then in case you are not tired enough, you change clothes one more time and run. I think you are supposed to sprint to the finish at that point, but the truth is that by the time I hit the pavement, even if my brain is sure that I am in full stride, I will not be sprinting the 3.1 miles to the finish line. But I will get there.

I race because I can. Because I learned from my parents long ago that crossing a finish line of any sort is a simple reminder that no matter how difficult things are, no matter how many road blocks come our way, no matter how our head tries to sabotage our efforts…we finish and feel fully alive.

The other day a random cyclist came up from behind me and said he could tell I was a ‘real’ cyclist, due to my perfectly sculpted calves.

‘Don’t believe everything you see,’ I wanted to say.

It’s funny actually. Funny because I was always the scared one in the family. Afraid of the dark,  the water, heights, things that went too fast…you name it. I was afraid. Yet for some reason, triathlon training was the one thing I stuck with even though every single training day was hard. Relearning to swim at age 42, balance myself on a bike with my feet clipped in and mostly, learning to accept being hot. Very. Hot. My home team knows that is the hardest one for me. Give me any obstacle; I will jump it, climb it or get a line and pull myself over it. But don’t give me heat. I may lie down and cry.

That was then. This. Is now.

Tomorrow’s finish line, perfectly aligned with the 5th month anniversary of my mom passing away, I will throw my hands into the air. I will not feel defeated by the threats of hundred degree heat, the pain in my legs, nor the constant ache in my heart. Instead, I will know I have created a life of intention; one by design, not by accident; one that will have my home team waiting for me at the finish, helping me celebrate my connection with my mom…and our urge to cross the line.

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I race. Because I can. And that will perfectly celebrate the 50th year of life she has given me .

Filling the Empty Space.

Posted on by Geller Coaching

I have experienced writers block like some kind of disease, stunting my thoughts, keeping me from my keyboard, making my head feel dizzy at the mere thought of stringing together some meaningful words. It came on slowly as my mom began to lose her 2 ½ year battle with Pancreatic Cancer and secured itself to my being once she passed away.

An empty space…perhaps one I am fearful of filling.

There are so many devastations when you lose your mother. No matter how prepared you are, how grateful you are for the time you had time to say goodbye, to share all the love you have in your heart for her, no matter how long she had suffered. And no matter how certain you were that moment you held her hand and said, “You can go Mom. I promise we will be alright.” Devastation still comes.

At first there is a shallow wave you ride that whispers she is free of pain, feeling whole and grateful for who she was when she was here. But then the emptiness fills you up again. If you are an optimist like myself, there is a constant wavering from ‘I’m ok’ to ‘No I’m not’, from ‘I can make it,’ to ‘I don’t know if I can survive this loss.’

Actually, it isn’t really a voice that says I’m not okay…it’s a voice that yells constantly in the back of my head screaming, ‘Where is my mama??!!

It yells so loudly that sometimes it I don’t recognize it as a sudden scream at all from the back of my mind, but a constant straining to hear my rational self explaining that she won’t be back soon, begging me to accept what is so. In between that, I can hear my children call for me, my husband wanting to share his own stories and my world needing me to be focused. Yet all the while, there is this constant crying in the background, a little voice pleading for a little more time.

Sometimes it is almost unbearable. The loud shrieking that only I can hear, yearning to touch her hand, hear her voice; smell the sweet scent of her skin. It is so loud that often I see people speaking to me yet barely hear their words at all. Hearing whispers of comfort…yet hardly feeling comforted at all.

And yet, there are many other moments I am able to function just fine. Attending to my life, my powerful work as a Life/Business Coach, being a mother of 4 amazing children, standing as a loving and devoted wife. It is in those moments I am clear that what my dad says is true, “life is for the living” and that is the only option we have. It makes sense while I say it out loud, and even when I repeat it quietly to myself as I try to sleep. In fact, it is what I often share with others.

We go on…because we have to. We need to. Because it is what life is truly about.

I feel so strongly about what I believe; my optimism and way of living. It is, after all, what I have learned from my mother. It is who I have become because of who she was to me. It is one thing that remains true to me even on the 5th month anniversary of her passing.

Yet some nights, when things get tough, when people in my world have their own demons and seem to be yelling in my direction, when my body feels just to heavy to carry on…I cry. I sob actually. I find a dark room, a space where I can be alone, curl myself in a ball, and sob. I am not interested in imposing my darkness on others during this time. I am not yearning for someone to fix this. To help me gently back into the light, to tell me that it will be all right. I simply want to be alone. To drown out the yelling in my head, long enough for me to cry. Long enough to feel the pain of her loss and be with the emptiness.

To just be.

That is what happens. I get to just be. I plead, beg and sob. And simply practice being. And when I can’t stand to hear myself beg for what is not available any longer, I open my phone. I find the video when I interviewed her just 2 weeks before my wedding. She looked perfect and poised as always. Her hair growing back just in time for the event, with her tiny curls and most convincing smile. She was already a Pancreatic year survivor at that point and living on created time. Time they told us we would not have. But we did. I watch and listen to her and pretend she is here. I feel in that moment, that she is. I believe. With all my optimism…I believe.

When it stops, I open the next ritual video: My two oldest boys at the beach…15 years ago. Their sweet voices, caring for each other, trusting each other, wanting desperately to show me their little hermit crabs they had found. I inhale deeply memorizing the sound of these babies I have created. I allow myself to dry my eyes. Unroll from the tiny ball I have curled into…and embrace who I have become.

This is the space I need to fill. The space she has left deep in my heart that fills a little more each day with all that she has given me. Essentially, I am her. I live and breathe her passion and spirit, her finish line desires, her ability to love. I stretch myself a little further and acknowledge the strength she has given me and know exactly what to do with that empty space. Fill it. For her. For my family. For me. And even for all of those that don’t even know me yet.

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I step into her clothes again as I do most mornings and am amazed at how they fit. I see her face and can hear the song playing in the background now as it drowns out my demons: I am Woman Hear me Roar…